


all we see is sky

by littledancer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, One Shot, References to Depression, Writer!Jihoon, aka the Soonhoon Dear Evan Hansen fic, and those who want to cry, for theater trash, wendy and jin-ki are mentioned like once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 14:46:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12559772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littledancer/pseuds/littledancer
Summary: "There's nowhere else I'd rather be." "Me too."Life could be alright for forever this way.





	all we see is sky

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! this is my first ever fic and wow i didnt think i could write so much ?? pain ?? oh well i hope you enjoy! also i listened to this for two days straight while writing this and nearly cried so here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiNe0L6kyto pls listen while reading! 
> 
> okay, enjoy!

 

No. 

This wasn't happening.

 

 "Soonyoung... He-He committed suicide."

 

This must be some sort of joke.

 

"They found his body yesterday. The funeral's in a week."

 

Some sick, sick joke.

 

"They want you to give the eulogy. He wanted you to give the eulogy."

 

"I'm so sorry, Jihoon."

 

In that moment, Jihoon didn't know if he was crying, or if he threw up, or if it just felt like his insides were turned inside out. He was numb. He was empty, haunted by the scream that was trapped in his throat and his knees that threatened to give way.

 

Before he could take it back, before the horrible truth settled in, "Okay." Jihoon said, barely breathing, barely knowing half of him was long gone.

 

 

 

 

 

Jihoon didn't know how much weight a human body could take until a week later.

His skin felt like sacks of rice and each movement was a struggle. His bones felt clanky and out of place, as if they no longer fit inside of him. His lungs never had enough air, shriveled up and tight. His gut weighed like a stone, though his heart was heaviest.

Jihoon hated everything about this. Jihoon hated the funeral room he was in, albeit it being one of the nicest ones in the center. It was obviously way too expensive and too much like a five star hotel reception hall. Jihoon hated the constant looks of pity and the cautious hugs from people he hardly knew. He hated their rounded, sorry eyes and the way they held him so him so gently, as if he would break at their touch. He hated the black, the suits and dresses, the constantly pursed lips and failed attempts at condolences. Soonyoung would have laughed at their serious faces.

 

Soonyoung.

 

Soonyoung would have wanted it outdoors, with lots of colorful flowers and grass, because everyone who knew him knew he loved the sun. He would have wanted all the Japanese food ever as buffet, not any of this salad crap with who knows what in it. Soonyoung would have hated the the black and how formal everything was. He would have demanded everyone to come in their pajamas or something ridiculous like that, just to make sure everyone was as comfortable as they could be. Because Soonyoung was like that.

Jihoon knew Mr. and Mrs. Kwon had spent a lot of money to make sure their son's funeral was as grand and as beautiful as possible. And it was beautiful, but it just wasn't Soonyoung.

But Jihoon knew there was nothing he could do about it. All he was was a speaker and was only informed right before arriving that he would be the last one speaking, after Mr. and Mrs. Kwon. The very last event. Which added even more pressure, and he didn't even think that was possible. How could they expect him to write ten years of friendship onto pen and paper, for everyone to hear? How could he write about Soonyoung? Soonyoung, who was kinder and more beautiful and more amazing than words could ever describe? How could he put onto paper all the emotions that ate up inside him when he barely understood them himself?

But regardless, even though it nearly killed him, and the struggle of finding the right words, the true words, to use was like a stab in the gut, he was determined to write the best damn eulogy ever. He had to. For Soonyoung.

 In the end, his speech was beautifully written, Jihoon had to admit. It was not light, but not too depressing. Relatable and very, very moving. The mood was heartfelt and tugged at your emotions, and made you feel all the right feelings at all the right moments. Even his father had teared up by the end of it during his practice read in front of his parents. 

Jihoon had always known he had a way with words. He was incredibly intelligent and eloquent, and his skill in writing has taken many breaths away. So as he stood on the pedestal, in front of all of Soonyoung's loved ones, why he couldn't find it in him so utter a single word, was beyond him.

"Uh, hi. Some of you may know who I am, but for those who don't, I'm Lee Jihoon. I'm-was... Soonyoung's best friend." A sea of eyes of familiar faces and total strangers gazed back at him. Suddenly, Jihoon found it difficult to swallow. "Okay, uh... I've written thousands of words in my life, but never anything like this. He always said he was the number one fan of my work, and this time will be no different." Jihoon said, and he cursed himself for sounding way too rehearsed, but cleared his throat anyway. "Soonyoungie, this is for you."

Jihoon looked down. He hadn't realized his hands were shaking, until his trembling fingers unfolded the piece of paper. He cleared his throat.

"Light is a constant. It probably is one of the only true ones in the universe. To the creak of light through the door, to the infinite stars in the sky. It touches every being, revealing itself in even the smallest of ways." Jihoon said, glancing too frequently down at his paper, sounding too loud or too forcedly confident. "Soonyoung was the light. He-He brightened everyone in every way he could..." Jihoon could feel his mouth drying and his voice cracking. It was ridiculous really, because he had spoken in front of crowds five times the people in this room. He was a trained public speaker and writer, and it was Soonyoung's one request. Why couldn't he just read the speech?

"Soonyoung was... Soonyoung was..." His hands shook faster, and each word that came out of his mouth felt like acid. 

"Soonyoung..."

Jihoon looked down at the words on the paper, but they could've been chicken scratch for all he knew. Suddenly, everything felt wrong. This was wrong.

Jihoon tore his eyes away from the crowd, everyone hanging onto his every word. He knew he was stringing them a long, but he couldn't do it. He slowly folded the paper and ignored the murmurs that came with the stretched moment of silence. 

He took a deep breath, steadying his heart beat and collecting his scrambled thoughts, or the lack thereof. The gentle hum in the air rang in his ears, and his eyes were fixed on the window. He never noticed how beautiful it was outside. The tall pine trees were almost magical with the sun shining right through. He had never seen the sky so golden.

 

But he had.

 

"We were sweaty."

Jihoon didn't know he started talking until he did. And this time, everyone was really listening.

"End of May or early June, about a month ago. We went to the old apple orchard. It was a long drive, but Soonyoung was so determined. We had to be there, he said. Today was perfect, he said. We even skipped class that day. Though it was the first time I ever saw him complain about the heat, it didn't last long. He could never stay mad at the sun." That was something Soonyoung would always say. God.

"If I didn't have this to prove it," Jihoon said, lifting his foot which hung limp on his leg. "I would have though that day was a dream." 

Then Jihoon remembered. He remembered everything.

 

_Take a deep breath,_

 

"The sun was so bright."

 

_Tell them how it happened._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"If ice cream melts, is it still called ice cream?"

 

Soonyoung's tousled head peeked into the open car window. A couple strands of his wispy fringe had already managed to bind together in a sticky mess from the ice cream that was all over his mouth.

"What?" Jihoon exclaimed, and grabbed his ice cream from his hand as Soonyoung got in the car. He licked the top of his vanilla cone and almost sighed as the delectable cream coated his throat. Days as hot as these must be illegal.

Soonyoung managed to put on his seatbelt one handed, though with some difficulty, and folded his free arm over his chest. "Because technically, when they melt, they lose the ice factor. So, is it just cream? Soup?"

"It'll turn into soup, if you keep talking." Jihoon said. He handed back as his ice cream as he started the car. He gripped the steering wheel and stepped on the gas. As they drove off, the neon red sign that read "A La Mode" and the ice cream shop's small but colorful structure scaled further and further away.

Soonyoung was holding two ice creams now, and nearly licked Jihoon's cone instead of his own as he kept his eyes peeled on the ice cream shop, now off in the distance behind them. Soonyoung never took Jihoon's orders to shut up seriously. It was something he said on the daily. But Soonyoung was oddly quiet and it was strange, because he did most of the talking among the two. There have been many conversations between them that weren't even conversations at all, just Soonyoung going off on a tangent and Jihoon nodding a long to his friend's animated expressions and stories. Jihoon didn't need to speak for Soonyoung to know he was listening. That's just how they were. But even with sugar in his system and the beautiful countryside scenery that he was crazy about, Soonyoung was quiet this time.

Jihoon glanced back and forth from the road to his best friend, wonder what he was thinking about to have made his eyebrows crinkle and his eyes go soft and wide. He wondered what was going on in Soonyoung's head more often that not. "Penny?" Jihoon offered, something they always said whenever they wanted to ask for the other's thoughts or to share their own.

"My family used to go to A La Mode a lot. It was kind of a far drive from the city, but we all found it to be worth it." Soonyoung said, not taking his eyes off the window, but Jihoon could hear the smile in his voice. The green fields endlessly stretched as they drove further down the long, country road. "I'm not telling you where we're going just yet, but my family and I used to go where we're going all the time after having ice cream. It was always the same man at the counter, the same flavors we'd get. It's where I found my love for bubblegum and pineapple flavored ice cream." He casted Jihoon a pointed look, because he knew Jihoon found it disgusting. He still does. "It was always this GINORMOUS palace of rainbows and color!" Soonyoung made a big motion with his hands, nearly making both of the ice cream cones fall out of his hands. "I just never knew the place was so small." Jihoon barely caught it, but there was a sort of sad, perhaps not sad, but melancholic glint in his eye. He tried his best to make it out, but he had to keep his eyes on the road. Though it was hard to, when Soonyoung looked like he had stars in his eyes.

Jihoon snapped his head towards his direction. "I will gouge your eyes out if you get any ice cream on my car."

Soonyoung's face lifted and broke out into a grin, and Jihoon decided he was okay. "You don't have anything sharp enough."

"I'll be creative."

"You always are." 

"I'm the one missing a class of Chemistry II because of your countryside escapade. So, shut up and feed me ice cream."

Soonyoung shook his head but smiled as he did as he was told. He wasn't in the most comfortable position to be eating ice cream without any hands. Vanilla ice cream dripped down his lips and had almost reached his chin until Soonyoung reached over and wiped the side of his mouth with his fingers.

"Such a baby." Soonyoung teased, poking his cheeks affectionately. Jihoon had glared daggers into his skull, but of course, Soonyoung had grown to be invincible to his burning looks.

"You're the baby." which was true, because compared to Jihoon's stone gaze, Soonyoung looked like a puppy in comparison.

Soonyoung shook his head and clapped his hand on his thigh. "Creative comeback, for Lee Jihoon! Joo Yung's undoing right there!" Joo Yung was the biggest bully in third grade and also the Yo Mama joke master, whom Jihoon absolutely destroyed while defending a kid that Joo Yung had been picking on. To this day, nobody really remembers what Jihoon said, but Soonyoung will swear it was one of the proudest best friend moments he had ever felt in his life. It must have been legendary.

"You're way too excited for this trip, and now you don't know how to control all your stupid energy."

"I am not hyper!" Soonyoung said, as he nearly jumped up and hit his head on the car ceiling.

"Remind me why I bought you ice cream again?" 

"Because you're the greatest best friend ever, who cares about the sentimentalities and over all palatable pleasure of his best friend." Soonyoung grinned and poked Jihoon's dimple.

 Jihoon scowled and pushed Soonyoung's hand away. "Get your dirty ice cream hands off me. But I'll forgive you, because I acknowledge your use of "palatable', even if it's not entirely correct. But this is coming from someone who thought the word, 'several' was an extension of 'seven' until he was ten."

"Sue me, okay, they sound VERY similiar. Not everyone is a genius master of words like you, Jihoon." Soonyoung said, though it hardly sounded like a compliment.

Soonyoung's hand clambered back to his cheek and he slapped it back. "Your hands are so dirty, get off."

"Put your hands on the wheel! Really, Jihoonie, are you trying to get us killed?" He sing-songed dramatically, which only mock-pissed Jihoon off more. "It's not my fault you're a robot controlled neat freak."

"Shut up, you idiot, at least I know how to drive." Soonyoung had stuck out his tongue, and Jihoon knew that was his sign of defeat.

Jihoon wanted to argue how they were the only car on the road, and probably the only living things that wasn't grass and trees for at least a good three miles. The road in front of them extended straight ahead and stretched for so far, that he couldn't even see the end of the road. Which quite frankly scared him a little. There was something unnerving about not knowing or seeing where you are going, even though he knew very well the most dangerous thing on the road was maybe a frog they could accidentally run over. It was so different in the city, where the streets were always jam packed and hustling. While Jihoon took a moment to look outside of the window, while the trees began to double in size and amount and started covering up their surroundings, but while the clouds still managed to seep in and the sun shone on all of the grass and flowers, keeping the road aglow, and while looking Soonyoung, who had his head stuck out of the window and the wind in his hair, Jihoon decided he liked this better.

"Look at the sky." Soonyoung said, his voice shaking in a puddle of quiet giggles. "It's so pretty and pale today. It's completely empty."

He's right, Jihoon noticed the sun high up and larger than life. There were no clouds to dress the stretch of blue, and above them was a hallow kind of blue. "Imagine if you vacuum sucked up the color blue, until it faded away. That's what it would look like."

Soonyoung paused to think. "You'd need the world's biggest vacuum."

"I think there's one in E-Mart that's nearly four feet tall."

 Soonyoung laughed. "We're gonna need a much bigger one than that. I don't think the sky ever ends." Jihoon waited for a moment, and sensed Soonyoung would have something to add. His nose scrunched up and his eyes were rounded, gazing up at the fading blue. This was Soonyoung: pensive, thoughtful, one of Soonyoung's many faces that Jihoon had spent all his life deciphering. "Nobody knows how far the sky stretches for, or where you'll be standing under it in ten, fifty, a hundred years. That's scary."

 Jihoon wanted to argue that it wasn't, and that Soonyoung didn't have to be this pessimistic all the time, though he knew he doesn't mean to. Soonyoung was just always like that, upfront about how he feels and what's stirring his heart, much unlike Jihoon, who was an emotionally constipated dolt. Soonyoung was a whole lot less vocal about his feelings and troubles now than a couple years ago, which Jihoon had tried to shrug off as growing up. (Didn't mean he worried any less, though, because Jihoon was a worry wart about everything, especially about things including a certain Kwon Soonyoung.)

 Jihoon took some time to think, and maybe this was one of the things he liked the most about Soonyoung. Though he spewed out the most random observations and inquiries about the world and everything in between in the most random, unconnected moments, they always made Jihoon think and wonder. And if anyone had a mind as intelligent as Lee Jihoon's, not many things do.

 "Yeah. I guess it is scary." 

With that, Soonyoung remained quiet, his brows furrowed into a thin line, as if pondering still on what had just been said. Jihoon put on a CD and music blasted throughout the speakers, the familiar choir of voices and jubilant strum of the guitar, their favorite Fall Out Boy song, filling the entire car. As soon as the first note played, Soonyoung's face rid of all tension as he let out a smile.

 

_When Rome's in ruin,_

_We are the lions free of the coliseums_

 

Soonyoung's head snapped towards his and grinned. He mouthed something a long the lines of, 'really?' but Jihoon was too busy singing a long. Soonyoung closed his eyes, stuck his hand out of the car and let the wind blow through his hair and let the sun shine on his skin. He stuck his tongue out in the air, dog like and ridiculous, letting out a blaring laugh that blended harmoniously with the music. There was no tension in his body, no walls or boundaries. He was open and willing, and he let the sun enfold him, soaking it all in. Soonyoung was golden and glowed under its touch. (but he didn't need the sun to do that.) All of a sudden, the sky above them turned ten times more pretty. The blue was no longer faded. 

Jihoon smiled back at his friend and rolled down his own window. He pushed on the gas to go faster, only making Soonyoung's hair even more wild and making him laugh even harder. But soon, their laughter was lost in the music, as they sang at the top of their lunge to their favorite rock bands to obscure indie music. And if the road stretched on for forever, Jihoon realized that it would be fine.

Soonyoung told him later on, mostly because he couldn't keep it in, that they were going to the old Apple Orchard. Jihoon wasn't sure how long it look them to get there, but their music preference had gone from Fall Out Boy to High School Musical in one car ride; he figured that said enough. He had only heard bits and pieces of the place, only knowing for sure that it was one of his favorite places in the universe. They had closed it down almost two months ago, he remembered because Soonyoung had been so down that day. He had sworn to come back, he said. The elated grin on Soonyoung's face that formed as they stopped the car in front of the orchard had knocked the wind out of him.

"We're here." Soonyoung said, when they had stopped outside of the car. He took one look at the wooden fence they had put up once they closed the place down and began to climb over it, and because Soonyoung didn't question it, Jihoon didn't either. It was the least he could do, and he was mostly impressed Soonyoung could even climb over the thing with one hand holding their picnic blanket and food basket.

"It's over there, come on!"

Before Jihoon had even put both feet on the ground, Soonyoung grabbed his hand and ran. He jolted forward, stumbling over a little and almost cursed at Soonyoung, until he saw the eager glow in his eyes and let him lead the way. All he could hear was the wind rushing against his ear, the sound of their heavy footsteps against the trail, and an actual chorus of birds chirping high in the trees. They ran through the trees and down the trail, Soonyoung's legs picking up so fast he could barely register his surroundings, though there was something exhilarating in running and only seeing green pass him by.

Jihoon didn't know how long they had been running for, all he had was the burn in his legs and his breathless lungs to base off of, until Soonyoung stopped abruptly in his tracks, nearly making Jihoon shoot forward. He toppled over, before standing his ground and looked up towards his friend. "A little warning, maybe?" He said, sounding way too out of breath for his liking. But Soonyoung didn't respond and instead kept his gaze forward. Jihoon had bent over to catch his breath, and after three deep breaths, followed his gaze and faced forward.

Soonyoung had brought him to the widest meadow, where the green stretched on forever and was  framed with the trees that extended to the sky. The grass looked almost inviting to lie on, airy and soft on his feet and filled with bright flowers. The sun kissed everything in his wake, and anything it touched glistened and bursted in swirls of color. Brighter and larger than life did everything seem, as the grass ahead of him stretched off and far into the horizon. Softly, carefully, they stepped on forward as if wishing not to intrude on the quiet hum of the field.

"Wow,"

"Yeah. Take it in."

Soonyoung hadn't let go of his hand. If anything, he held on tighter. Jihoon then realized he needed it too, to keep himself from the floating in the air.

 "I feel like a Non Fiction book." Jihoon had said after an unknown stretch of his silence, as they continued to marvel at the view.

Soonyoung broke his gaze to turn towards him, and for a moment, Jihoon almost felt bad. Everyone deserved to be entranced by the sight ahead of them. But he continued, "I feel like a Non Fiction book forced into the Fiction section of the library." and Soonyoung understood.

He nodded. "My family used to go here, to this spot, all the time. If there was ever a transition spot between reality and fairytales, this would be the place."

Suddenly, Jihoon felt this obligation to go on some wild, fantasy adventure and felt way too mundane for a place so unearthly but also entirely earthly at the same time. But Soonyoung seemed unfazed as he continued to walk and piped up in breathless conversation. They walked under the shade of the trees, so slowly and quietly.

Soonyoung let go of Jihoon's hand and he tried to hide his disappointment. 

"I think this is where The Staves would have loved their house." Soonyoung said as he avoided the trees' shadows by stepping only on the random spots on the grass where the sun was shining. Anyone would have found a seventeen year old jumping on the spots, pretending the shadows were lava to be immature. Strange, even. But this was Soonyoung.

"This is what they were talking about, you know? A house on the meadow, bedroom window facing exactly west." He continued, quoting one of Jihoon's favorite songs.

Jihoon nodded, watching his best friend hop animatedly from spot to spot. "There isn't any ocean here, but who would want an endless plethora of blue compared to this?" He asked, throwing his head back and gesturing towards the sky. He looked up towards small patches of blue masked behind threading, intertwined branches.

Soonyoung nodded. "Right." He continued hopping on the golden patches of sun, nearly losing balance. Suddenly, an idea sparked within Jihoon as he smirked and took a deep breath before shouting, "MURDERER!"

Soonyoung nearly jumped out of his skin and a high pitched shriek forced out of his throat as Jihoon doubled over with laughter. "What the hell?" Soonyoung asked faintly, as he clutched his heart.

Jihoon's stomach began to ache, and he knew his laughter sounded down right obnoxious but he didn't care. Soonyoung's face had been absolutely priceless. Soonyoung raced towards Jihoon, who didn't even bother to run or stop laughing as he shoved him hard on the side.

"I just remembered," Jihoon said, once his laughter had died down. Soonyoung's arms were folded. "Fairies are born there, remember? On spots of sun on the ground?"

Soonyoung's frown completely vanished as his eyes lit up. "We said that, didn't we? That was ages ago!" He was right. They had been eleven years old when they declared that, while playing under the big park tree after school. It was no different than the hundred other sunny afternoons they spent in the park outside of their elementary school, and even Jihoon was surprised he even remembered.

Then Soonyoung began giggling. "At least I'm not like you, tooth fairy murderer. Remember?" Oh, God. Seven years old. Jihoon had lost a tooth with a cavity in it and put it under his pillow. He had bragged about earning a thousand won that night, until Soonyoung had told him that teeth with cavities in it kill the tooth fairy. Jihoon had cried for a week.

Soonyoung had apologized a thousand times over and tried to convince Jihoon it wasn't true. Their friendship had almost ended when Jihoon refused to speak to him again for two straight weeks. He never believed him until their parents had called both of them to Jihoon's living room. Soonyoung and Jihoon had both the Santa talk and the tooth fairy talk that day. Both of them cried their eyes out.

Soonyoung piped up again with another random memory from when they were young (younger, rather) and Jihoon's eyes lit up with fondness every time. He had forgotten most of them; sunny days and toothy smiles lost within the boundless mess of days that's he's spent with Soonyoung. He never realized how great Soonyoung's memory was. God, they were such twerps. "Remember the time we performed for the school fair?" or "Remember the time we nearly blew up your kitchen?" But for reasons unknown to both of them, they always went back to the tooth fairy story. 

By the time they had finished reminiscing the story, for the fifth time now, they had tears in their eyes from laughter.

"We...were...ruined." Soonyoung said in between breaths. They were both clutching their stomachs at this point.

"Life just went downhill from there!"

"Definitely downhill." Soonyoung nodded, once the laughter died down.

Jihoon looked towards him. "You think so?"

Soonyoung nodded again. "Definitely. We've got, what, a little over a year of high school left?"

"That's not that long."

"It feels like an eternity." Soonyoung replied.

It had gotten oddly quiet, unnervingly quiet.

"You always do that," Soonyoung piped up again. "Hum when you think. You're always thinking, so you're always humming." Jihoon didn't even realized he was doing it.

"Really? Do I hum a particular song?"

"Never an actual song. Just a small little tune that no one else knows of." (Your hums were my favorite songs, Soonyoung had meant to say. And Jihoon finds out, though much, much later. Too late.)

"It's one of my favorite things about you." Soonyoung said, so nonchalantly. Just like that. Like Soonyoung expected Jihoon's heart to be okay.

"You... you always sleep with your earphones in. Which isn't fucking healthy, by the way." Jihoon said, casting Soonyoung a look that he just grins at. "And I... okay, fine. I listen with you. Sometimes. It helps me fall asleep."

"To my music? While I'm sleeping?" Soonyoung didn't sound anywhere near mad, his eyes perked up curiously.

"Yeah. They're all good songs, don't worry." 

"I was't worried. I have the best music taste ever." Soonyoung said, yanking a flower off the ground and placing it in his hair. It falls right off. "You always accidentally put too much sugar in your coffee when you're stressed. You tolerate it, though, because you need your caffeine." 

"You always mouth the words of the song while dancing." 

"You always beat the cash register when computing for your change whenever you buy anything." 

"You take care of your stuffed toys as if they're your children."

"You love me."

Jihoon's stomach dropped. He stopped in his tracks to face Soonyoung, though he wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to. But when he did, he was greeted by a playful, blissfully ignorant, innocent smile and a punch to his arm. "Gosh, I'm kidding. Geez, way to be serious, Serious Black."

Jihoon quickly rolled his eyes to fight off the blush in his cheeks and the rapidly increasing butterflies in his stomach. "Oh yeah, well, you always smile with your eyes closed."

"Low fucking blow, Jihoon."

Jihoon laughed, and Soonyoung pushed him off with a bitter pout. "Just because you're jealous of my amazing 10:10 eyes... I'll have you know, these babies are the pride of the Kwon right here!" He acclaimed, grabbing the edges of his eyes and pulling them up and down. 

"You're right, over 365 days of high school with you will feel like an eternity."

Soonyoung expression immediately drops and shifts into a frown. "Oh yeah, that's what we were talking about. Fuck. Less than two years. We've got less than two years of high school left."

"Yes, Soonyoung. We've been over this. For like, the third time today."

They let the silence sit between them, settling into a peaceful kind of comfort. "We've got less than two years of high school left. And then what? What then?"

Jihoon grabbed a low branch and swung forward. "Then the rest of our lives."

"The rest of our lives, huh?" Soonyoung sighed after a thoughtful moment of silence, sounding a mix of hopeful and something else he couldn't put his finger on. "That's a lot."

"There's a lot to do."

"Like what?"

"Like get a job. Become a doctor or a teacher or learn to cook a thousand different kinds of cakes."

Soonyoung smiled. "That's something Wendy would do."

"She could cook a thousand different kinds of anything." Jihoon recalled, the bake sale they did to raise funds for a class project. "Wendy is such a catch, for real."

Soonyoung stopped hopping, making Jihoon stop in his tracks. "You used to have a crush on her, didn't you? Freshman year." Soonyoung casted him the smallest smirk. "You did! You had the biggest crush on her, I remember. You wrote her that amazing poem for English class, - the one about the flowers! - but nobody knew it was about her." But someone did. Soonyoung did. Soonyoung had memorized every single word to that poem. Jihoon would never find out.

"Shut up, everybody had a crush on her." Jihoon felt a blush rise to his cheeks, but fought it down. 

Soonyoung swung the picnic basket back and forth. "I didn't." Jihoon grabbed his wrist to avoid their food spilling everywhere. Soonyoung casted him an innocent smile. 

"Of course, you didn't. You were too busy being Dongsaeng of The Year to Jin Ki-hyung. Or how should I say this? Ah! For lack of better terms, a fanboy."

Soonyoung pulled away at his grip and it was his turn to blush. "Shut up!" And Jihoon laughed.

Soonyoung had immediately changed the subject to gossip happening at school, things Jihoon wasn't particularly interested in, but did find entertaining. Jihoon had no idea how he knew all of this, like who was dating who and what happened in each party but he was partly thankful, too. He knew Soonyoung got around, but God knows how hard it was nowadays to keep up with the hustle and bustle of their school.

In the middle of Soonyoung's update session, they realized they'd been walking aimlessly the entire time and settled down in a nice clear spot in the grass under the shade of a large oak tree. Jihoon sat next to Soonyoung, shoulder to shoulder as they opened the picnic basket and put out every snack they brought. He silently thanked Soonyoung for overpacking a ridiculous amount of food, because with his stomach grumbling this much and each snack getting devoured one by one, suddenly the ridiculous amount they brought didn't seem so ridiculous anymore.

Jihoon had stopped chewing his third sandwich when Soonyoung said Jin Ki had been scouted by an acting agency, and rumor had it that he had just been scouted by an idol agency too.

"What if he gets put into a drama or something? What if he blows up and becomes a hot shot celebrity?" Soonyoung asked, his mouth filled with a cream croissant.

"What if he gets so rich he could buy a hundred sports cars? Or a golden toilet?"

"I think Jin Ki-hyung has better priorities than a golden toilet." Soonyoung said.

"Well, at least when he ends up in a three way love scandal or the toils and darkness of being rich and famous and the highly fantasized and brutal steel cut idol world curdles within him and consumes him inside out, and life goes to shit, and least he gets to flush his shit down a literal fifty carat toilet."

Jihoon sounded so serious, it was almost scary. Then they burst out laughing, bits of food flying everywhere. But they didn't care. They were always laughing.

"You're so weird." Soonyoung shook his head. "But at least Jin Ki-hyung practically has everything figured out. Disregarding the 'toils and darkness of the idol world', whatever that's supposed to mean." He said. "How about you?"

"Hm?"

"What do you wanna do?" Soonyoung asked, turning towards Jihoon. He looked into his eyes, and with the sun in his face and his deep brown eyes locked onto his with such honesty and brightness, Jihoon noticed just how captivating he was.

"After school? I don't know, get a job? Make money?" Jihoon offered, suddenly needing to avert his eyes away from Soonyoung, who's gaze was boring into his soul.

Jihoon may be the most stubborn person in the world, but his best friend was a close second. Soonyoung rolled his eyes and grabbed Jihoon's shoulders. "No. What do you wanna do?"

Soonyoung looked at him with such wonder and brightness, that Jihoon allowed himself to get lost in Soonyoung's eyes. Just for a second.

Jihoon thought for awhile. "I want to discover the secrets of the universe."

Soonyoung's eyes lit up and Jihoon could feel his heart soaring.

"I want to find out why colors are, and how far the ocean stretches and where birds fly. No, scratch that. I'm going to discover the secrets of being human. I'm going to meet the most amazing people in the world, and I'm going to write about them. I'm going to write a book about people with stars in their eyes." Jihoon took a deep sigh afterwards.  "And probably wear a beret while I'm at it."

"Okay, you in a beret? Not a good idea. But everything else is a go." Soonyoung rubbed his arm and laughed at the rough push he got afterwards. "But that was beautiful, Jihoonie. I totally see it now. 'Lee Jihoon's Book of Star People'. You're gonna make millions." He said, wiping fake tears from his eyes.

"That is the shittiest book title I've ever heard. There are IMDB descriptions written better than that."

"You get the point."

Jihoon rolled his eyes and pushed him again, but Soonyoung held onto his arm and planted his head on Jihoon's shoulder. "How about me? Do I belong there? Do I have stars in my eyes?"

Everything in Jihoon told him to shoot him a sarcastic comment or a familiar snarky reply. Jihoon prided himself in his witty comebacks and creative insults, which were probably perks of being a writer. It was expected, a routine even, for their friendship. Soonyoung had always been used to it. A sarcastic joke right then would have probably even made him laugh. But Jihoon was done with jokes, because as Soonyoung held onto his arm and looked up at him so hopefully, he didn't have stars in his eyes, he had galaxies. Jihoon was never a good liar.

"Yeah, you do." He knew he had caught Soonyoung off guard when the grip on his arm tightened ever so slightly. "You'd be the first person I'd write about."

Soonyoung's bottom lip quievered, as the stretch of silence grew longer and longer, until he wrapped his arms around Jihoon's body and engulfed him in a bone crushing embrace. "You know I love you, right Jihoonie? I really do." Soonyoung said, tightening the squeeze with every word. Jihoon's stomach was doing backflips, and it really wasn't fair, how Soonyoung could just say something like that and get away with making Jihoon's heart skip several beats or swell up with a frustrating amount of fondness. Jihoon fought the blush rising to his cheeks and bit down on his lips for a millisecond, before prying Soonyoung's hands off before Jihoon could consider keeping them there forever.

"Well, in that case, watch your main character become the first and only of your cast to leave earth."

"Wait, who said you were main character?-"

 "Irrelevant. I'm going to get on a rocket ship and blast off into space."

"Oh?" Jihoon arched his eyebrows curiously. In the ten years of their friendship, this was the first time he's heard of this. "Where to?" 

"I don't know. Anywhere? Anywhere but earth. I'm going to leave this place behind and travel where the stars aren't just within me, but all around me." Soonyoung lifted his hand and traced the outlines of the clouds in the sky. "I'm going to go where light and dark are one and the planets turn into possible destinations and not just pictures in a textbook. And the sun isn't in the sky, it's right in front of me."

Jihoon wanted to tell him he already knew how that felt, but kept his mouth shut.

The trees rustled in the distance, and the scorching afternoon air turned cool and light around them, carrying the scent of fresh flowers and honeydew. Soonyoung sighed and dropped his hand. "But I won't do that. I'd miss you too much."

Jihoon shrugged. "Then take me with you." Soonyoung widened his eyes. "I hear space ice cream's not half bad. 

Jihoon didn't know what was in the air, but soon again they were laughing. Melodious and airy, the kind that tickled at his throat.

"We're ridiculous." Jihoon smiled.

And Soonyoung smiled back. "I know." 

Silence fell between them for the first time in what felt ages, and only then did Jihoon feel the slight ache in his abdomen and the breathlessness in his voice. He took a moment to feel Soonyoung's presence behind him, their backs pressed against each other, as they watched the tall needles of grass sway in the breeze. Off in the distance, birds took off in the sky and suddenly, he envied them. His heart was soaring, and he didn't know how to get it to stop.

"Can we be kids, just for a day?"

Jihoon looked over to where Soonyoung had tilted his head backwards and rested it on his shoulder. He could see the other boy's eyes gazed at the sky and hair tickling his cheek.

"Why can't we just forget being teenagers, forget puberty, forget school, forget college, forget the world and just be kids again?" Soonyoung asked, with a subtle sort of desperation hidden in his tone.

Jihoon shrugged and a small smile crept to his face. "Who says we can't?"

Soonyoung jumped up, making Jihoon fall backwards, ("Hey!") but he had looked far from apologetic.

"How do we get out of here though?" Jihoon asked, and he could feel Soonyoung's imagination racing and shooting for the moon.

"Don't you see, Jihoonie? Look around you. We're in the most magical place in the universe." Soonyoung said, taking Jihoon by the chin and craning his head around the scenery. Jihoon swatted his hand off, though he knew at this point Soonyoung could not be fazed. "Only question is, how do we find them?"

Jihoon's lips curved into a playful smirk. "Portals?" He suggested, and by then he knew every rational part of him had gone out the window. He felt a bit ridiculous, but he pushed it out of his mind, because Soonyoung was so bright, and he couldn't afford that tiny piece of darkness within him. Not when the the fire within him burned fearlessly and unapologetically like he used to, once upon a time.

Soonyoung nodded, as if he understood everything about the world. "Exactly."

There was the smaller, more bitter side of Jihoon that knew none of it was real. And maybe they were masked by the euphoria that came with seeking adventure out of imagination, but Jihoon had left his mind out of his body and ran. He ran with Soonyoung across the meadow, weaving through trees and jumping across streams. The meadow was boundless in the way it stretched, curved and bended, as if especially shaped for the heavy feet and weightless hearts of two wandering souls. They ran, their lungs filled with warm summer breeze as they exchanged stories of their favorite fairytales to complete new ones, creating new portals to get there. They jumped over rocks and swung on branches to discover worlds far from the one they were doomed to live in. Somewhere in between ragged breaths and winded laughter, Soonyoung had grabbed Jihoon's hand and allowed silence to rest between them. He looked into Jihoon's eyes with so much excitement wrapped in promises of sunnier days. Jihoon allowed his breath to hitch and his heart to race, because Soonyoung was his to keep for the moment, and he felt seven again. Suddenly, they were the ridiculously creative little kids with wild imaginations and no other friends all over again. The ones who competed on who could get to the moon faster, their little minds racing to find outrageous ways to transport themselves to another planet. In a twisted way, it grounded Jihoon knowing that none of it was real. Knowing here, they could find sanctuary in this beautiful, magical place and find freedom within each other and the promises their hearts had in store.

Soonyoung was dancing with the flowers, the sun in his eyes and the breeze through his hair and Jihoon found himself joining him. No music needed, an unspoken beat hidden in the swaying of the trees and the whistling of the wind. Like a song was created through the world they created, just for the two of them. Soonyoung took Jihoon's hands and together they moved, albeit horribly for two trained dancers, but he and Soonyoung were laughing and this was a song Jihoon never wanted to end.

Soonyoung hadn't let go of Jihoon's hands when they collapsed on the grass in laughter, when their limbs had felt like jelly and their heads had started spinning. Their bodies hit the ground, heavy and reckless and Jihoon knew they should've been more careful and subconsciously thanked the thick, cushioning grass below them. His head was spinning, not so much dizzying but more in the way everything around him turned into nothing, until all he could see was the blue in the sky. 

Soonyoung's eyes never left his as he whispered quietly, "There's no where else I'd rather be."

Jihoon believed him.

"Me too,"

 They believed in each other, and the sky was theirs.

The sky, in the brightest shade of blue that blanketed him in brightness, swirling clouds creating palaces of white out of thin air. The sky, that stretched endlessly above them. Soonyoung had said it. In ten years, Jihoon doesn't know where he'll be. And that's okay, he decided, as long as he and Soonyoung lay under the same sky, together. They lay together and stayed, lost in moment and lost in the sky until it was all they could see, and until it was all they were: free.

Laughter was still caught on their throats, and maybe they were delirious and maybe Jihoon was delusional, but Soonyoung was suddenly so close and their foreheads brazed together ever so slightly. Their breaths melted into one and Jihoon could see nothing but Soonyoung's eyes locked upon his, and the raw joy and longing that filled them. When their lips met, softly and slowly, Jihoon could feel his breath quake and his lips move in a gentle quiver. He didn't know why none of them questioned any part of it or even tried to move away, but it felt right, and long overdue, the way Soonyoung's rough lips felt against his. Soonyoung tasted like freedom and thrill sought abandon, and slightly of pineapple and bubblegum ice cream, but Jihoon didn't care because this was Soonyoung, beautiful, beautiful Soonyoung and right now, he felt as if he belonged to the sky. (Later he decided that maybe pineapple and bubblegum go together, after all.)

Jihoon parted his mouth slightly, but Soonyoung was a tease who loved playing with his heart and he pulled away abruptly before taking a moment for both of them to watch in awe of what was unfolding right at their eyes. It seemed the theme of the day was breathless, as both were winded and Jihoon didn't know if he'd ever recover. Soonyoung broke out into a grin, the same one that made Jihoon's heart sing, pecked him quickly on the lips, got up and ran. He didn't know if his best friend was some sort of sadist that found pleasure in toying with him, because Soonyoung could not just leave him a blushing mess and not expect him to want answers or to kiss him silly. More so on the latter.

Jihoon wanted to feign shock, or anger or something other than the stupid grin on his face that completely gave him away, but he had never felt so thrilled to be alive. And there Soonyoung was, far off across a field of yellow, with the wind in his hair and gleaming constellations etched in his every being. He was the clear blue sky amongst a field of yellow flowers, and Soonyoung looked breathtaking, and truly, deeply happy. He belonged with the flowers, and the magic of this small, hidden paradise they've created for themselves. Jihoon wanted nothing more but to take the sight before him and paint it permanent, and he wished the grab the colors of the wind and put them onto canvas for them to keep forever. And maybe, Jihoon was in love. Perhaps this breathless, heart wrenching sensation was the feeling of staring into the eyes of the person who turned his whole world into color.

Then the world pressed play, and the excited words, "Follow me!" left Soonyoung's mouth, as he gestured Jihoon forward. Jihoon was running again, but he didn't mind at all, because he knew he'd follow Soonyoung to the ends of the earth if he had to. They reached the tallest, largest tree in the entire orchard, and with his heart racing, they climbed together with Jihoon in the lead. They were laughing again, one branch after the other, climbing higher and higher until Jihoon glanced down and the ground was far below them. Would the world change from up there if all they could see was sky? And silently and with excited anticipation, Jihoon had hoped so.

Soonyoung was ahead of him, moving with a sense of urgency high up on the top, and Jihoon couldn't ignore the unease in his stomach masked by a thrilling rush of excitement. Still he smiled, and Jihoon was moving faster and faster, until he reached the top of the tree on the branch right beside Soonyoung's. Jihoon looked into Soonyoung's eyes and they were consumed by the sea of blue all around them. The sun shone on Jihoon's face, warm, bright and embracing, and he threw his head back, letting out a laugh mixed with relief and an inexplicable sense of happiness. They were on top of the world, and life below them felt so small, and together, they felt so big. Soonyoung took in a deep breath and stretched his hand up at the sky, as if to touch the castles of clouds that floated above them.

 

 _"I held onto the bark of that tree as he held my hand, while his other arm stretched, growing and growing until I was afraid he'd float away_."

 

Soonyoung didn't meet his eyes, and Jihoon wished he had, because maybe then he would've understood what was going on through his mind when the branch creaked, then gave way.

It happened all in slow motion, just like the movies, but he wished it didn't. Jihoon saw the way Soonyoung's limp body fell right before his eyes. The way his eyes widened, then closed, slowly, slowly. Jihoon's stomach lurched and a soundless cry escaped his mouth. He could feel the trail of wind following Soonyoung's body rush by him, but the warm summer breeze felt like daggers on his skin. Soonyoung's wide eyes sank in a way that Jihoon had never seen before, the creases on his forehead suddenly looking fragile, like cracking, breaking pieces. His heart dropped, and he clenched his fingers as tightly as humanly possible around Soonyoung's, but his hand slipped.

 

No,

 

_"How did it feel, Soonyoung-ah? How did it feel to fall knowing you willingly let go of the only thing that could've saved you?"_

 

Soonyoung had let go.

 

Suddenly, Soonyoung wasn't so weightless and airy after all and his body landed on the ground with a thud, and a horrible crack that sounded like nails on a chalkboard, the crack ten times louder than it should've been in Jihoon's ears. Jihoon thought he heard himself scream, but nothing else mattered as he clambered down the branches and jumped to ground once the grass below him seemed a decent distance away. He stumbled onto his feet, and a sharp pain in his right ankle told him to stop, but he ran anyway, following the sound of Soonyoung's wincing, as his eyes were an absolute blur.

"Soonyoung, Soonyoung, oh, my God, Soonyoung..." Jihoon managed to say, grabbing the other boy's hands with such desperation, his nails nearly dig into Soonyoung's fingers. Soonyoung let out a strangled yelp as his left hand moves slightly at Jihoon's touch. Jihoon's eyes widened, but he could barely make out Soonyoung's limp figure, though he wasn't sure if he could bare it anyway. "Holy fuck, holy fuck the fall was so high. Holy fuck, Soonyoung..."

Jihoon could hear sniffles, not knowing from whom, but nothing could hide the tremor in his voice as he fumbled to find something, anything to say. But Jihoon was so much more of a mess than he liked to admit, and his chest hurt, and words failed him when he needed them most.

"Those aren't the most creative words to say coming from a writer." Soonyoung said after a deafening silence, no teasing, no sarcasm, with his voice barely a whisper.

"S-shut the fuck up," is all Jihoon manages to say as he curls his fingers around Soonyoung's shirt, pulling himself closer to him. 

"Jihoonie... Are you crying?" Soonyoung asked with the weakest smile. He wiped at his cheeks, and holy fuck, he was crying, and he couldn't seem to stop. Suddenly aware of the tears pathetically streaming down his cheeks, Jihoon's vision cleared, and there Soonyoung lay, with the most pained expression in his eye, though filled as well with tears, still managed to shine with a glint of amusement. A pale complexion, nothing like his own, which was once sun kissed and glowing dulled his entire face, and he tried in a futile attempt to hide his staggered, pained breaths, but Jihoon knew better. "Oh, baby, don't. Don't cry, Jihoonie, oh, don't cry." Soonyoung whispered, amused expression now completely dropped and replaced with a sad, fond smile, eyes lined with concern.

"You scared me shitless, you bastard." Jihoon hiccuped, calming his tears and heart. The aching and the clench in his heart was slowly fading. "I thought you were going to die."

"Yeah. Me too."

The lines in Soonyoung's forehead eased, a small smile on his face that could've been resignation. Soonyoung reached out, thumb brushing under Jihoon's cheek to wipe away his tears. But when he opened his eyes, there was a quiver in Soonyoung's expression that almost resembled fear.

"I-I can't move my left arm, Jihoonie. I can't feel it." Soonyoung stammered, unable to hide the crack in his voice.

Jihoon shook his head and let out a shaken breath, like a knife to his lungs. "Why'd you let go of my hand, you idiot? Why-why would you... I could have-"

"My hand slipped," Soonyoung said, an innocent smile returning to his face that masked the lie. "You would have fallen with me."

"Are you questioning my strength?" Jihoon asked. It was meant to sound tougher, but all he sounded was pitiful.

Soonyoung laughed. "Never, Jihoonie."

Soonyoung wanted to punch the lights out of the kid, for being so stupidly stubborn, for lying to him right in his face. He wanted to wipe the still bright, irritatingly contagious smile on his face, because Jihoon just might smile back. Someone who just fell fifteen feet from a tree and broke his arm should not be smiling, because what the actual fuck, was he thinking-

"And look at me," Soonyoung said, looking down at Jihoon's arms that managed to find their way on Soonyoung's back. "I just got saved by Jihoonie. That's all I could ever want, right?"

"I'm going to drop you," Jihoon said, but his tightened grip around Soonyoung's body said otherwise. He didn't know when he managed to pick Soonyoung up, but he never wanted to let go, holding him as if the rest of his body would break.

"I feel like humpty dumpty." Soonyoung giggled, glancing down at his now purple and very much broken arm.

"Humpty dumpty died, you fucking idiot."

Soonyoung paused.

"Well, good thing I'm not an egg." Soonyoung said, so smugly. And when Soonyoung looked him in the eye, they bursted out laughing, and everything was okay.

"Right," Jihoon wiped his dried up tears, the embarrassment of the moment finally catching up with him. "Let's get you up." He said, snaking an arm across Soonyoung's side and lifting him up, until a stabbing pain in his left foot caused him to recoil back to the ground.

"Shit," Jihoon hissed.

"Shit? Jihoon, are you hurt?"

"It-It must have come from the jump to the ground... I think I sprained my ankle." Jihoon said, his foot already swelling in pain.

Soonyoung let out a dry chuckle, trying his best to pull Jihoon up with the one free arm he had. "We are dysfunctional. We are actually non-functioning! I can't help you walk without an arm and you can't help lead without a foot."

"We'll make it work," Jihoon said between the grits of his teeth. He rolled his eyes and sighed, "We could call for an ambulance but someone refused to let the both of us bring our cellphones."

"Hey, we can be slaves to technology any day, but not today we won't!" Soonyoung said. Jihoon let out an incredulous scoff, because it was just so ridiculous, and they were just two ridiculous kids with two non-functioning limbs. "There's probably a payphone somewhere."

"Bullshit, Soonyoung. This is 2016, not 1982." 

"I'll bet you a kiss there's a payphone at least two miles down the road." Soonyoung declared, so bluntly and confidently that it was impossible for Jihoon's heart not to do backflips in his chest. The grin that formed on Soonyoung's lips was so bright and unafraid, and the wave of warmth that came with it enveloped Jihoon's entire body.

"Y-you're on." Jihoon cursed silently when it came out as a stutter, but the excited glint in Soonyoung's eye as he grabbed Jihoon's hand melted all his frustrations away. They hopped down the orchard and suddenly he was reminded of just how huge the long stretch of meadow actually was. All the while, Jihoon was certain he invented a new workout, because my God, was it tiring to hop on one leg. But behind the wince in his voice, Soonyoung still managed to tell him stories on the way back, the grin on his face, still as animated and wide. He talked of easier times going back here with his family, or random amusing observations, anything to keep his mouth running. If he was talking to hide the pain in his arm, to save the both of them from spiraling down the potential darkness that came with two damaged bones, it was working and Jihoon was beyond thankful. So they fought the sharpness in their breaths and smiled together, feeding off of each other and with each other. And fuck, maybe he was soft for Soonyoung, because the pain in his ankle seemed a little bit bearable with Soonyoung's hand in his.

In the end, there was a payphone just a couple hundred meters past the entrance of the orchard. (But with Jihoon's back pressed against the walls of the payphone and Soonyoung's lips on his, was it really his loss?)

 "We're going to get murdered by our parents. We're supposed to be in class." Soonyoung said, once they parted and finally called the hospital, after several flustered minutes of delay. 

Jihoon laughed. "It was nice knowing you, partner." 

The hospital was another forty minutes away. Soonyoung was in a cast, and Jihoon's foot was bandaged up. They looked like idiots.

"Call me crazy, but I've always kind of wanted a cast. You're basically half Eygptian mummy." Soonyoung said, once he got out of the emergency room and the color returned to his cheeks. 

Jihoon scoffed and grabbed the sharpie in his hand before writing a large 'JIHOON' on his cast until there were no empty spaces on his arm. ("Ooh, possessive." "Shut the fuck up.")

"I'm going to watch you regret saying that in two weeks, and laugh." Jihoon said, and pulled out the lollipop from his mouth, that they both insisted to receive from the doctors. The fondness in his voice was excessive, but true. "You're crazy."

"You're crazier."

"You're both crazy!" Jihoon's mom said as soon as she walked in the room and before whacking them both on the head. They winced to rub the backs of their heads, but the smiles on their faces were really not helping their case. "Skipping classes, going to the country side and breaking your limbs? And without your cellphones! What were you two thinking?"

And the wind would take their secret, throw it up in the air, blowing it through the breeze and swirling it in the clouds. The sun shined bright on them both, and they were part of the blue.

Soonyoung shrugged and casted Jihoon a smile. Jihoon couldn't help but smile back.

 

"We wanted to see the sky."

 

 

  

 

 

Jihoon didn't know how light a human body could feel, until he bore his heart out on a silver platter for everyone to see. All the pain caved within him, the days of sunshine and darkness, all the noise and silence, weaved into stories of that one perfect day compressed into words of truth. He didn't know when he began crying, when everyone began crying, or when he buried his face in his mother's arms and bawled the pain in his chest away. And Jihoon cries, truly, for the first time that week, and his sobs rupture out of his entire body, shaking and consuming everything inside of him. He cries like he's never cried before, like his heart is being ripped out of his chest and squeezed until there was nothing but harrowing screams escaping his throat. He's burning, and suffocating, and drowning all at the same time with ugly sobs overflowing like tidal waves. All the air in his lungs are sucked right out of him, and suddenly it's impossible to breathe, his chest so heavy and empty that he's not sure if anything will ever be okay.

Except it does, and it will. Maybe not now, maybe not for a long time, but Jihoon picks himself off of the floor, once he's run out of tears and everyone is long gone. His voice is completely wrecked, and he doesn't stop shaking, but he's done. When days turns into weeks, he still hurts, still loves him, still misses him with every fibre of his being. He's not complete, probably never will be, but he's whole. That, for now, is enough.

 When Jihoon left the funeral that day, his mind had blanked. He barely knew exactly what he said in his speech, what parts of the story he left in and details he took out, but he knew they didn't hear everything. They didn't hear their wildest dreams, their fairy tale adventures or the leaves rustle from high above the trees. They didn't feel the wind in their hair, or the sun on their skin or have the eternally blue sky be all that they saw. They didn't see the world from up so high, or have the world in the palms of their hands, just for that one moment. They didn't hear the beautiful laughter that escaped Soonyoung's lips and the tender I love you's, unspoken yet understood. Jihoon took the moment, held it ever so gently and swore to never let it go. Some things, some people, belonged to the sky.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. <3 it means so much.  
> also an intro: hi!! i'm isabel and i love seventeen, day6, bts and more. i've been writing all my life but this is my first ever fanfic WAH NOT GONNA LIE IM SCARED but i do hope you guys enjoy!! please  
> comment what you think and i hope to be more active on here! hope you all have a greaaaat day! :'D
> 
> hit me up on twitter: @chocochwe  
> let's talk about kpop, theater, dear evan hansen, anything! (also there are a looot of hidden things in this fic especially regarding references and hints to certain ~ things ~ so if you'd like to discuss anything about this fic pls do not hesitate to message me!)


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